Hi, I’m Andrew Allanson.

To celebrate the feast day of Saint Dodolinus of Vienne I interviewed Robin Maker of Things. Together we explored complex topics of theology, meta-physics, and his general theory of everything. Thank you Robin for agreeing to the interview.

(A selfie of Robin. he took minutes after emerging from a car crash on 1/26/2020 with his hand and face censored, because it's the only photo of him we have on hand.)

Andrew: "Hey Robin, thank you for agreeing to allow me to interview you. I have a few questions prepared and have been looking forward to your responses."

Robin.: "No problem! Let's hear them."

Andrew: "Please describe the room in which you played your first Video Game."

Robin.: "Oh, that's tough actually... I think it was my grandparent's old living room. We lived with them alongside my aunt and uncle for a while. One of them had a GameCube and they liked to play some snowboarding game or Mario Kart: Double Dash. I think they had a Nintendo 64 as well because I vaguely remember the screen where you can pull on Mario's face, but I don't think I ever played it. I know my mom played Dr. Mario on something at some point when I was very little as well. So, I can't really recall my first game I played, but it was definitely something Nintendo since my first goldfish were named "Mario" and "Luigi." This has been a weird tangent, so let me go back to that living room. There was a couch, an ottoman, and a rug. In the left corner there was an entertainment center with a CRT and one of those players that played VHS and DVD, as well as those consoles I mentioned earlier. In the right corner was this screen door that led to a patio with a huge backyard where we had apple trees growing and a scrap heap of a car in the very back by a shed dad wanted to fix up. I don't think he ever finished it, don't know what happened to it. Behind the couch was this bar that had an open window section that you could see the kitchen in. There was an answering machine next to the wall. There was a computer set up where I'd sometimes play around in MS Paint. Then were those rooms on the side that led to my grandma's office and the laundry room, those were on the left side of the room. I think that about sums it all up."

Andrew: "Have you ever imagined a world without video games?"

Robin.: "I have, honestly. I think if video games didn't exist I'd be more into books like when I was a kid, or maybe I'd be way more into movies. Maybe I'd try being a film director or a writer in Hollywood before realizing how awful that industry is and sticking to indie filmmaking for the rest of my life or something. I wanted to be a horror writer for a while, but I had this issue where I needed to over explain things to get across the details of how horrifying something is. That kind of writing can work, but as someone who's read Steven King novels plenty of times, that kind of writing can be frustrating or even boring for the reader. Maybe it's my generation's attention span diminishing or something, I honestly couldn't tell ya."

(This is what Stephen King looks like.)

Andrew: " 'An unexamined life is not worth living.' I agree. Do you identify more with your Grandfather or your Grandmother?"

Robin.: "That's a bit difficult to answer since I'm sure they'll both read this, but I'll try my best haha. I guess if I really had to choose, it would be my grandma solely because she's more of an artistic person and I've always been able to relate to that. I remember seeing all these sketches she used to make, and even to this day she still does some sewing stuff. She actually helped me make my Halloween costumes for a few years. She didn't know who Gladion from Pokémon Sun and Moon was or what a Reaper from The World Ends With You did, but she was excited to help construct their costumes all the same. That doesn't mean I don't love my grandpa as well, though. He helped me get my job at Grocery Outlet and it was fun working with him those two and half-or-so years. He's always been just as supportive of me and I love them both."

Andrew: "That's a really wonderful memory! I used to make my own Halloween costumes with my Aunt Regina and my sister Christina. Similar situation with them not knowing the characters I wanted to dress up as. Would you have the body of a Hippopotamus or exist abstractly as a hypotenuse?"

Robin.: "A hypotenuse. Hippos are kinda gross to me and while I don't like math, I think living as something abstract would be a unique experience. Maybe it's a hellish existence of constant never ending suffering with literally no upside at all, but at least I'm not some giant-jawed beast swimming in dirty water all day."

Andrew: "Did you ever consider a career as an archeologist?"

Robin.: "Funnily enough, yes! I loved dinosaurs a lot growing up. We went to the Children's Museum a few times when I was younger and I'd always beg my parents for the dinosaur bone dusting kits. They were essentially these little packs of dirt with tiny picks and brushes and you had to dig through it to get the plastic, glow-in-the-dark dinosaur skeleton. My favorite dinosaur of all time was the Stegosaurus and when I saw the dusting kit for it, I just had to have it. Plus, I was a pretty big Indiana Jones fan for a while around the time Crystal Skull came out. Sometimes I look back at Temple of Doom and Raiders of the Lost Ark and wonder how the hell I was allowed to watch those movies with some of the violence in them, haha."

(An example of a dinosaur dusting kit, as shown by this you can find on the Walmart website. We'd like to extend a formal apology for this image's inclusion to Robin.'s dad, who is deathly afraid of dinosaurs.)

Andrew: "Seriously? That's great. Me too! I had a dino bone dusting kit and read a bunch of books about archeology as a kid. I used to always tell people I wanted to be an archeologist. I have a distinct memory of my Mom's hairdresser asking me. He was so let down by my answer. Said I had boring taste. And I said don't you like Indiana Jones? And he said he preferred the theater. What made you choose to make things, rather than destroy them?"

Robin.: " 'I prefer the theater.' Ok, Mr. I-Peaked-in-Highschool-Drama-Class.

I think it was comics. I loved superheroes and wanted to make my own. I just got ideas for wacky Spiderman stories that made no sense. Plus, I just liked drawing. I've always been drawn to it, pun not intended, though oddly enough even as a kid it frustrated me immensely sometimes. I'd draw something and it wouldn't feel right and I'd have no idea why until I looked at it two years later, compared it to something I had drawn that day and been like 'Oh, it's bad.' That being said, I was a lot less critical of my work back then. I took pride in all these mediocre Ben 10 and Pokémon drawings I was making and would tape them to my walls and my door. Eventually, we moved to Ft. Knox for a bit and times were tough. I stopped doing that but I still liked to draw. When we got back, I went through this stupid phase where was like 'ugh, drawing is for kids, I don't need to do that.' That lasted for like a year, maybe? But then I got it stuck in my head that I'll never be able to draw well again and everything I make is objectively horrible. Then in 2016, I stumbled across my drawings from when we lived on Ft. Knox and was like 'holy shit, this is all fucking garbage, why did I think this was good?' That kinda motivated me to continue drawing for a good while. I'm still pretty self-critical over my drawings, but now I know that I draw better than I did when I was 12 lmao"

Andrew: " 'drawing is for kids' made me laugh out loud. Okay I have one last question.

Robin.: "Shoot!"

Andrew: "Many years from now you die and meet God. Strangely enough he has the face of Shigeru Miyamoto and the body of 'The David' of Michelangelo. He’s thirty three feet and three inches tall. You look away from God, alarmed by his existence. From heaven you see all the hell and suffering of reality below you. You decide to turn back to look at God. He gets down on one knee and looks deeply into your eyes with a wide grin and asks: 'Dō deshita ka?' How do you reply?"

Robin.: "Honestly, I'd probably look him dead in the eyes and say, 'I'm sorry, what the fuck? Can you please tell me what the fuck is going on? I don't understand any of this.' Then just see where the conversation goes from there, honestly."

Andrew: "Thank you. These were all wonderful answers."

(Now picture him with the body of Michelangelo's famous depiction of King David.)

I hope all of you are now enlightened. It's remarkable that everyone who reads this will be blessed with effusions of divine grace. Until next time, I’ll see you all later.

-Andrew Allanson.

(If you like what I do and would like to see more, consider checking out the Ackk Studios official website as well as our Twitter and yiikrpg.com.)

(Editor's note: April Fools! -Robin.)